I have had insomnia before, therefore, it is not a shocker that I now have it again. However, this time it is different. Those of you who have suffered sleepless nights you can sympathize with me and you know the drill. Dead tired, crawl in bed, try try try to sleep. No sleep. ZZZZZZZZ sound of significant other sleeping beside you. Tick tock, tick tock (not really who doesn't have a digital clock in this day and age but work with me).
Where was I- tick tock, tick tock. As each hour passes you become more and more frustrated, more and more anxious. Until finally at about 3:00 or 4:00am you finally sleep.
Not this time. As soon as night falls I am waking up. I'm as wide awake at this moment 12:36am as I am in the middle of the day. Not a bit of sleepiness, drowsiness, absolutely nothing. I have moments during the day when it hits me that I might like a nap but then that passes...who has time to nap! I have lost my ability to sleep - is that possible? I am on day 3 of about 2 hours of sleep a night. Day one I just wasn't sleepy. Day two...before I realized it the time was 3 am and nothing.
Last night out of desperation as I lay in my bed (looking similar to the cartoon above) I remembered the happy pills I took years ago to fly - did I still have them? I was sure I did - if I could only find them. So there I was at 3:30am up to my elbows in drawers and medicine cabinets. I emptied old make up bags and finally at the back of the bathroom cabinet (the one you need to be on your hands and knees to reach) I found an old travel bag and viola happy pills. The last time I went on a hunt like this was for Zantac on a night of particularly bad heartburn or when I was a smoker and crazed for a cigarette. The dilemma was this- should I take one - half of one or none at all. One for sure would knock me out but I needed to get up early. None I ran the risk of not sleeping at all and I needed to get up early. A half a pill seemed just right so a half a pill it would be. I swallowed the pill and waited for the magic to happen and happen it did. Sort of. (Probably had something to do with them being 3-4 years old) There I laid becoming more and more like rubber - wide awake but unable to move or have much control over my legs or arms. I staggered back and forth to the bathroom - I was unable to read - I was unable to think - and ironically I was also unable to sleep. I finally crashed at 5:00am. Did I mention I had to get up at 7:30 which on it's own wouldn't have been so bad but now I had a happy pill hang over. It's been a very long day.
Tonight, I've opted for writing instead of taking drugs. It hasn't worked either just like the happy pill didn't work last night but at least I feel better and I can move my fingers and toes - and yes I am also very very much awake! Sigh did I mention Son#1 is getting married next week I suppose I could go as a Goth yes I might have to rethink my outfit!
Mama out (I wish).
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